Playing With Fire & Not Getting Burned: Sexual Experimentation w/o the Sex

By Devon Mac

Here's a tale of two break ups:

My brother just ended a serious, year-long relationship just as I was ending a 14-year marriage. What's the first thing we both decide to do? Start dating. Immediately.

What is it about a break up that brings the hoe out of everyone?

It doesn't matter if you had a great sex life or a poor one with your now ex, when it's all over, the first thing many seek out is sex. Rebound, jump off, sex. 

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There certainly is a level of anxiety that comes along with the demise of a relationship. When you're used to having sex on the regular and now can't, it can be a major "Oh shit" moment. Or, depending on how long you've been in the relationship, you can start to question, "Am I still wanted? Can I get someone else?”

But mostly when it's all over, distracting yourself from the pain is all you want to do. In crisis, you immediately just want to be assured that everything's going to be okay. So, you seek out the comfort of another person and usually in the most immediate, physical way.

However, as I wade through my hurt and complicated feelings, I'm learning that it's not necessary to give it up to get some love.

 

Coming out on the scene after being absent for over 10 years can be quite a culture shock. When I was single and available, it wasn't a serious option of consideration to market yourself on social media. My dating pool was regulated to the places I frequented, church, college spaces and places, and my neighborhood, which as you can imagine, exposed me to certain types of men, men I was familiar with at some level.

Now that I'm out again, it seems that it's par for the course for men and women, single, married, gay, straight, to hook up just for sex. And of course, digital culture helps to facilitate that...quickly.

And I guess, at a basic level, that would be good news for me. But so many years later, I'm still not convinced that f*cking a man I barely know because I'm lonely, hurting, and scared will help me. And this is no knock to those who find it to be useful.

So instead, this fake good girl has gone a little mad in her approach to “getting it in” by implementing a plan B.

Can I explore my sexuality without having sex? The answer is, so far so good.

How exactly has this heterosexual (grown-ass) woman been quelling the fire of her sexuality?

1. I’m a flirt
For starters, I've been flirting my ass off. I flirt in public, I flirt in private, and I flirt in text. I flirt in a mall. I flirt down a hall. I flirt when you call! I say anything and everything I want to say, sometimes just to get a response. And the reactions and responses I receive never disappoint.

2. Hotline bling
I've also participated in a fair amount of sexting (without pics) and phone sex. That's been fun too. Every man brings their own flavor and it has been wildly entertaining (and mind-blowing-ly HOT) experiencing that. The great thing about sexting is that it’s the gift that keeps on giving because you can always go back to it and relive the moment on those lonely nights.

3. 21 questions
I've been sexually curious. I have a list of questions that I ask men, questions that help me develop a profile. For example, consider all the things you can learn about a man when you hear his story about the first time he was seduced by a girl or woman.

4. This man
Real talk, watching Mr. Bryon Carter dance has been getting a sista thru!

All my methods have been quite sexually fulfilling…in a comprehensive way. And at the end of the day, I can walk away no worse off than when I started. Have l been tempted to take it over the edge sometimes? Absolutely. But usually within 24 hours I've been reminded of a very good reason not to go there, whether it was self-imposed or dude putting his foot in his mouth.

There is no need to rehearse the type of heartache breakups can bring. We all know it. The pain, wounds, and loneliness are real. Hopefully the route I'm taking will help to speed up the healing process and not set me back...So, here's to not getting burned while this mad scientist experiments in her storefront sex kitchen. So far, the concoctions have been tasty.

 For more by Devon Mac, visit GoodBlackChurchGirl.com

Do you have any forms of sexual experimentation that don't involve sex?

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