10 Signs You're a "PICK ME" Woman

Amara La Negra scrubbing the hell out of her man's shower via IG

By Veronica Wells

Amara La Negra caused quite a stir this week, when she used her Instagram account to send an interesting message. Aside from the fact she was cleaning the bathroom in a bodycon, the image became controversial because of caption:

“A man’s house is a reflection of the woman’s he’s with. Food for thought.” 💭 Being Pretty is Just a Bonus with me.”

As you can imagine, people took issue with the post for several reasons. 

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They didn’t know whether it was a Lysol ad. And they couldn’t figure out why Amara would make it a point to clean a house she doesn’t live in, a house that doesn’t belong to her, and presumably the house of another grown, able-bodied individual. In the modern era, men clean their own houses, not only women are out here working alongside them but because that’s just what responsible adults should be doing for themselves. Furthermore, if a man’s house is dirty, it’s not a reflection of the woman, it’s a reflection of his own triflingness. Period. Fullstop. We’re not absolving men of responsibility and we’re certainly not shouldering the burdens of their own shortcomings. 

For as much as I wanted to ride for Amara, she’s proven herself to be a “pick me.” If you’ve never heard the phrase before, a pick me woman is one who tries to distinguish herself from other women with the intent of making herself appear more appealing to other men. If you’re wondering if you’ve ever been or continue to be a pick me or you just want to double-check and make sure you’re not embarrassing yourself on the internet like Ms. Amara, then here are some pitfalls to avoid.

Shaming another woman for their choices
Whether it’s her attire, sexual behavior or practices, pick mes specialize in regurgitating sexist double standards like "Dress how you want to be addressed" or "No man wants a woman who everybody's had." Interestingly enough, when men operate in the same fashion, they never have anything to say.

Attempting to make yourself more appealing for the sake of men
I’m not talking about putting on makeup or dressing up, I’m talking about broadcasting the things you do-- or would do-- in a relationship because you believe it will attract the man you desire. The women who post the meals they make for themselves with captions like “Your girlfriend could never…” are prime examples of this.

Blaming feminism for the destruction of the Black community
Crack, poverty, racism and slavery are all acceptable places to point the blame when we talk about what has contributed to our challenges as a people. Believing women deserve equal rights is not one of them.

Unwillingness to hold men accountable…for anything
If a man cheats and you immediately point to what his wife did wrong...then you’re hustling backward and playing the Pick Me game.

Hotepian
If you find yourself or another woman sounding like a Hotep, repeating homophobic rhetoric, advocating for polygamy because monogamy is unnatural etc, then there’s a chance you’re saying and doing these things to make yourself seem down.

Marriage material
I learned a long time ago, that what we’ve been taught to believe was marriage material is a farce. There are so many of us who are still in a tizzy trying to figure out “How did she get married?” She got married because marriage material is relative and generally a way for men to control the behavior of women. There are other ways to describe your appealing qualities.

You speak against your own
Nothing is a stronger red flag than listening to another woman say she doesn’t get along with women or she’d rather “hang out with the boys.” Even if men have more female friends, they never disparage other men. This is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to seem “cool” by insulting your own kind.

Take outrageous and unnecessary actions for the sake of proving to a man that they love them
In the bowels of Instagram, I found a woman who suggested that she stands every time her husband entered a room as a way to honor him. Her rationale was that if she stood on Sunday to honor the Pastor, she could certainly stand to honor her husband. Do what you feel. But let that practice be something you do for your man, rather than insinuating that women who don’t do the same somehow don’t value their partners. Furthermore, when you ask these women what their men do to honor them, they can only name the essentials like being faithful and paying bills.

Always want to know what the woman did when she was assaulted, abused etc.
If you’re one of those women who always believes there are two sides to a story when a woman was abused or want to know “What she did” you’re a mouthpiece of misogyny.

Claim that they don’t require anything from a man
Unlike independence, pick mes are appealing to the newer generation of men by claiming that they’re not high maintenance. Ex: “I don’t need my man to spend any money on me. I can just cook a meal and we can watch movies at his place.” You need to see a little more than that sis. Trying to prove that a man won’t have to work to get or keep you, also means he likely won’t value you as he should either.

Are you a Pick Me woman? Have you been around any?

Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days” and the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.

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